Just seeing if anyone I know is still posting here at all? All I come here for these days is deleting spam comments.

A few blogs/vlogs/tweets/convos-with-friends recently have got me thinking. It's a feeling/thought that creeps in every now and then and kinda brings me down. It happens when I realize I've made some new friends (more than just acquaintances) but over time our conversations become less frequent. Or I notice that within the group of friends I seem to be the outsider. The one who talks to them or is there to hang out sometimes but isn't included in other activities.This has happend both on and off-line and whenever I notice it I get down.

But I know that part of it is my own doing. I let those feelings fester inside to the point that I sometimes get bitter or upset, thinking I'm not really liked, just tolerated or something like that. I don't speak up, or make my presence known. I sit on the sidelines watching everyone else have fun, being too shy to join in. I'll be some sort of mix of the introvert silently wishing to be talked to or included and the extrovert willing to joke around or lend a helping hand or an open ear/shoulder. I'll stay in and do nothing/waste time not interacting w/ anyone, not b/c I don't like them but b/c I have some sort of social anxiety thing where I feel like I'd be bothering them or that I wouldn't know what to talk about. I'll overthink what I should do and then end up doing nothing but feeling alone.

I know (deep down) that these friends do like me the way I am and wouldn't shun me if I try to join in. Yet I still notice cliques. I notice that they talk to each other but don't include me either b/c they don't quite know me enough or b/c over time they grew closer and I was kinda pushed to the outside. Or I just didn't join in, so I was kinda just forgotten.

I don't want anyone to feel they have to include me b/c of pity or b/c I'm whining about this (though I wouldn't complain if you did, haha). I know I need to make more effort first. I need to join in and at least try to be included. Or I need to not get all mopey/lonely/angsty when I'm not included.

Not sure how to end this, so I'll bring back something I did during BEDA:

Today was awesome b/c
1) This
2) alanlastufka  officially released his album he did with Tom Milsom, "Taking Leave" and did a midnight release party on BlogTV (something I joking suggested as a way for those of us not going to the midnight HBP release to still be able to enjoy the night) while everyone else was watching the new Harry Potter movie. During said show, he previewed the music video for the song "Can't" hours before everyone else got to see it. Btw, you should go to dftba.com (or Amazon or iTunes) and buy the album yourself (Alan's donating 25% of his profits to kiva.org)

You know it's been a while since you've blogged when you can't even remember your password. I think my last post was back in May, just after BEDA. Ahh, memories! I miss it, and kinda wish I had continued afterwards, b/c I'm so out of practice. Anywyas, just wanted to update y'all with what's been going on with me, just before I turn 26 (I cringe when I realize I'm actually THAT old).

First of all, Saturday is my birthday, if LJ hasn't already told you so. I don't have much planned except for going to the Diablos game with my family and maybe a friend or two that doesn't already have plans and likes baseball. Afterwards is the fireworks show, or as I like to call it: my birthday candles ;-) I secretly (ok, it's not that much of a sekrit) love to pretend that all of America celebrates my birthday whether they know it or not. It's my birthday, so I'll pretend what I want to. Don't judge! You'd do it too if you were me!

I should be moving in with some friends soon. I'm on the lease officially once one more friend signs the amendment, and I need to make my first part of the rent payment, and actually start moving stuff in. I tried a few weeks ago to move some of the big stuff, but no one was going to be there that weekend and they didn't want to risk leaving the key out, which I guess is understandable. Plus I apparently didn't give enough warning so that they could clear out space in the room I'd be moving into. I thought it was enough time, but they didn't agree. We (mom, sis, and I) ended up renting a big ol' cargo van to move all this stuff and ended up only taking Amanda's stuff which we would have only needed a truck or a smaller van for, and we were a little upset about that. I deserve part of the blame for being so horrible with communicating. I mean I've gotten called out by the guys a few times for not keeping them updated with my plans and other stuff related to moving in with them. Probably not the best way to start this whole roomie thing, is it?

What else? Oh, I just worked the Warped Tour on the 1st. It was my fourth time working it and Las Cruces' 7th time hosting it. My first job with Event Staff was that first of their Warped Tour hostings. So many memories and so many bands seen that I wouldn't have seen or sometimes even known about otherwise.  This year I was excited to hear/see Underoath, 3Oh!3, The Devil Wears Prada, and Bad Religion. I also heard some other bands at some of the other stages that I liked and wish I either knew tthe name or where to hear more of thier music. If they're good enough, hopefully I'll hear about them eventually. This was the first year I hadn't done barricade for even part of the day which was kind of sad, but on the plus side I got to sit in a fold-up chair with a canopy at the backstage gate near the main stage (only one this year...stupid economy!). That meant I not only had constant shade, but got to see band members come and go, some of which actually acknowledged me.  If only I had the luck of one of our former employees who got asked to join Warped Tour staff on the road!

I'm still searching for a job other than Event Staff. I applied at Barnes & Noble for like the Nth time, and a childcare place for the 2nd time b/c a friend said they just got hired there, but I guess they're not hiring anymore b/c I haven't even gotten a call-back for an interview.  If you have any leads or suggestions let me know, b/c this is really getting me bummed out, plus I need the money to help with rent and such with the guys. I do have an interview later this month with K-Mart. I applied a few months ago and got to the stage of the app online where they ask you to schedule an interview. It looked like it was only on Thursdays, but the only open one was for later this month. Do they really 1) have that many people applying and 2) only have one day a week to devote to interviews? Bleh!

Not much else has happened, except getting to go to Houston/Galveston during Memorial Day weekend. I got to see the Gulf Coast for the first time, as well as one of the places my dad grew up in. And I finally got to meet my internet-BFF, Casey! It was good times and I hope to do it again the next time I'm out there visiting my dad in Houston. She's so far the only person from youtube I've met in person, b/c I have yet to make it to any of the gatherings. They're always too far away, such as the most recent one in Portland or the 789 one coming up. There are plans for one in TN I think, but even that's kinda stretching it for me, as is the Chicago mini-meet-up thing happening next week.  If I could afford long drives alone or plane tickets, I wouldn't mind so much. They really need to hold one in PHX or Denver, or ABQ...somewhere relatively close.

Anyways, I guess that about catches you up on me. What's going on or new with you?

This is just filler to show I haven't forgotten about LJ :-p
Maybe next time i'll do a poll. Havent' used that feature yet and I've wanted to.

Comment on this meme and I will:
1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

Last day of BEDA, huh? I was kinda hoping it would feel special or something. I do feel a sense of relief though, knowing I won't have this self-imposed obligation hanging over me. I did have fun with it though until maybe the last few days...at least on the writing side of it. The reading part was great, seeing so many people interact and read about each other and what we thought was important or just fun to talk about. 

I can't forget the VEDA people either, because it probably took just as much, if not more, effort for them to make it through this month. I know I would have had a lot harder time with VEDA but I think next time I might just do it to try and improve my vlogging "skillz." I want to do more than just video responses and memes, and I think the only think keeping me from doing it before was that I felt I couldn't live up to those vloggers I saw as "better" than me. But in her final marathon blog today Maureen Johnson responded to someone with similar insecurities by saying:

Tim Logan never thought a week ago that he'd be where he was right now, which was standing inches away one of the most popular and beautiful co-eds at the Coker College Spring Formal, about to have his picture taken with her as proof.  His friends could hardly believe it, and neither could he.

"Pretend you like each other and scoot in a bit closer" the professional photographer said jokingly to Tim and Harmony.  "I'm sure she won't bite, though you are quite the hunk of cheese!" She followed that pun with a wink making Tim blush and feel even more awkward, if that was even possible. When Tim made no movement at all except a slight lean towards Harmony, she reached over and pulled him close to her so that their sides were now touching.

"She's right, you know," Harmony said.

"Huh?"

"On both counts, she was right. I won't bite you, and you are quite handsome," she explained with a playful smile.

"Oh, um, thanks! Y-Y-You are too! Pretty, I mean...not handsome. And that gardenia in your hair really compliments your dress" Tim replied, flustered and blushing.

"Hehe, you're welcome! And thanks!"

"Hate to break up the compliment-fest, kids, but could you look here at the camera. Unlike you youngins, I'm standing here to look pretty.  There ya go! Now smile and say 'disestablishmentarianism!' "

"Disestab...li...what?" Tim and Harmony both inquired, confused.

"I'm just joshin' with ya! Can't help myself sometimes! Say 'the bees knees!' "

*click* *flash*

As they walked away, blinking and rubbing their eyes to get rid of the spots circling around, a Michael Bublé song started playing.  Tim thought this was just the right opportunity to impress his date with some of the ballroom dancing he'd been learning all semester.

"Would you like to dance?"

"Right now? I don't think I know how to dance to this."

"That's ok," Tim reassured her. "It's easy. I'll teach you as we go. First of just put your left hand...here." Tim indicated his right shoulder, and then reached for her hand to place it there when she hesitated. "Ok, now I'll take your other hand like so, and off we go!  Just look at me, not my feet," he explained as he started to move forward, nudging her chin up lightly with his hand after a few steps as she started to glance down, stumbling.

"Wow a dancer and a poet! I'm impressed!'

"Huh?" Tim asked, as they continued forward.

" 'So', 'go.'...'me,' 'feet'......Nevermind, I'm just being a dork." Harmony said looking away, embarrassed.

"Haha, who would've thought?"

"Thought what?"

"Who woulda thought YOU could feel as awkward as I have all night?" Tim clarified.

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...and that's as much as I could get tonight. Hit a block just before I was about to throw in a reference to "dioxide-ribo-nucleic-acid". Sorry Kiera! Haha, I tried.

Yet again I waited too long to do this. No excuses. Just not feeling this blogging everyday thing anymore. Still love reading everyone else's but writing my own...not so much. Thought about just doing a run-through of my day but it hasn't been worth even that except for the little fit I threw earlier tonight that led me storming out of the house and going for a long walk around a local park and a little of the surrounding area. Ran into an old friend though, so that was random and nice.

Anyways, I said I'd do a story using the random words some of you gave me (gardenia, cheese, antidisestablishmentarianism, dioxide-ribo-nucleic-acid), And I will do it, just not for this entry. Maybe for the #30, but this was harder than I thought and I opted not to do a half-hearted attempt at it. Sorry that I made you all wait for this.
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Today was awesome because of a Daniel-centric episode of Lost. Full of lots of "WHaAaAaAT!!?" moments or "I knew it!".

Today is one of those days when I just want to get rid of my car and get a new one. And I don't mean a different one that's used. I mean a new one. One that doesn't have a few years on the parts til they start breaking down. The one I have now is 10 years old, but I've only had it for the past 6 years, the last 3 of which have seen it go through various repairs and replacements b/c of the parts nearing the end of their 'lives".

Today it was the radiator tank. Luckily, it won't be as expensive as the past few repairs/replacements but it was still pretty darn inconvenient. I think the problem happened last Thursday or Friday but I hadn't looked under the hood to see what the problem was/might be until today. From what my sis told me the day she tried to drive it up to Cruces, I just thought it needed water or anti-freeze, so I put those in today. It was still over-heating though and on the way back from using it today, the car had had enough when I was about a mile from home. Luckily it also about a mile from a near-by repair shop (closer than the one we've been taking it to). So after letting it cool down for a bit and calling around to get estimates, we took it in.  They also suggested replacing the thermostat which might have caused the bigger problem, but Mom said we should wait on that for now 1) because we're low on funds til the next paycheck and 2) we kinda trust the place we've been taking it to more, even though I'm sure these guys can be trusted.  This 2nd reason is what inspired what I really would rather blog about which is "trust".

Trust is an interesting thing, and i wish I could do it justice here, but we'll see what my tired brain can get out before I head to bed early (yes I said early). It can make or break a relationship (of any sort). Without it some things just won't happen, but when it's there you and others get more out of it.  Take the car repair shops I just mentioned for example.  The one we usually have been going to was recommended by a friend who we trust the summer my car's original engine broke down for good, and because of his honesty and good work with that we have trusted him and his shop with further needed repairs and such when they came up.

Trust is often borne from a record of honesty and reliability. The more honesty you show to another person, and the more they see they can rely on you for various things, the more they're going to trust you. This trust can lead to others who don't know you yet trusting you as well, because they trust their friends who trust you.  This can build up a strong chain of trust. 

The odd thing though is that trust can also be very fragile, and can be lost or chipped away at with just one or a few acts of dishonesty or a history of unreliability.  Show up late enough times and your boss losses trust in your reliability and could eventually fire you.  Let a friend's secret slip or lie to them enough and they won't trust you as much in the future.  Luckily it can often be repaired depending on how strong the trust was to begin with and if you can keep from damaging the trust again.

If you've been either majorly hurt by someone you once trusted a lot or been let down by enough people, it becomes a lot harder to put your trust in anyone. This often leads to doing much more on your own and shying away from the help of others, which can then lead to feeling alone or getting stuck in or with something that is much harder or next to impossible to get out of on your own. On the bright side, someone that is trust-worthy will often come along or will be closer than you think, and will eventually help you to rebuild trust in others.

I kinda wanted to say more, or at least elaborate on some of this, but 1) I started this late, 2) I am pretty tired, and 3) I need to be up super early b/c I'm going to be up in Cruces tomorrow (well today but, shh, let's just pretend it's still the 27th) observing all day at a high school.

So, I'll leave you with some questions to answer (or not). Who are some people that you put a lot of trust in?  Are you easily trusting of people or does it take quite a bit for you trust others? Do you think people trust you? Why or why not?  These are some heavy questions so feel free to answer with your own blog.

Thanks for reading, if you got all the way through, and I hope to earn back your trust to get these done before midnight for the next few days, haha. Sorry.

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Today was awesome becuase of the season finales of Chuck and Heroes. I can't wait for the next seasons of each, though some are worried about Chuck not being picked up for the fall, and Heroes just lost a director/producer due to financial concerns.  I think everything will be fine though.

I'm running on empty after 26 days of this. I've tried to find inspiration anywhere, even mining my brain with a pick-ax (Oh dear! Am I becoming a Miner?!!! NOOOOOOO!) and yet I'm not finding any blogging gold...or even a less precious metal.  So I'm resorting to the good ol' "what I did today" type of blog. So without further stalling/wasting space to make this longer

*BTW this is starting from after midnight just so I have more to mention*
- finished up party thrown for sister with a game of tel-ictionary (see here for more about that) and taking home food

- got home from said party around 1

- caught up on internet related stuffs

- did yesterdays blog, really late

- didn't get to bed til late (early?) hour

- set alarm to be able to wake up in time for church, but

- slept through alarm and thus also church =/

- did not much of anything for a  while (well, it is a day of rest after all, right?)

- went through more of one of my new favorite web-comics (Questionable Content)

- watched No Reservations with Mom and sister

- found out I may have discovered a new flu to be worried about.

- hypothesized that I may have contracted this disease from too much of "The Mouse" aka Disney Channel (overload of Disney people in "Hatching Pete" movie that I watched tonight)

- and had salmon patties for dinner which will double as "why today was awesome"

- wished you all a goodnight (So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu! Adieu! Adieu, to you and you and yoo-oou!)

- shamelessly asked for more questions, topics, and/or a random word or phrase to inspire my last few blogs of this BEDA project.